


Love and Consent

by Rahenna



Series: Ace of Hearts [16]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: Age Difference, M/M, Secret Relationship, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 15:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3855700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The student council decides to organize a health fair for the entire school, and the topic ends up being relationships and sexual wellness. Yuki is freaked out by his research and it leads to a huge fight with the professor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Consent

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers for Gakuen Heaven 2. If you intend to play the game yourself, reading this may ruin your fun a bit. :)
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> [Adults Always Lie](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/lies/)
> 
> If you want to know more about the Gakuen Heaven series, please visit my fansite for game translations and summaries:  
> [welcome to Heaven](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/)

**October 11, 2017**  
_student council room, after school_

"What should we choose as the topic for this year's health fair? I heard from Joker-san that last year was about nutrition, and the year before that, it seems like there was a focus on mental health and wellness. We should try picking something different for this one." I pulled a stack of papers out of my bag and pushed them across the table. "Um, actually, I found a list of ideas online, but... it was in English so I'm not really confident about reading it. Takato-san, Kuya-san, what do you think of these? I got it from a university website so it's probably good..."

"Ah, good job, Yuki!" Kuya-san snatched up the papers before Takato-san got to them. "Hmm, hmm, this is an interesting list of ideas! We could have a focus on getting enough sleep, or maybe this one about traffic safety while riding a bicycle..."

"We're on the school island most of the time, Kuya, we don't need information about traffic safety." Takato-san took the papers from Kuya-san's hand. "Let's pick something that would be useful to the greatest number of students."

He reviewed the papers for a few minutes, silent as his eyes scanned the pages that were covered with unfamiliar English words. I couldn't stand the long silence, and I leaned forward. "Takato-san, you're awfully quiet, did you find something good?"

"Asahina, you got this information from an American university's website, didn't you?"

"Huh?" Why was he asking that? "Well, I think so... I guess. I'm not sure, actually..."

"I'm fairly certain that must be the source. As much as Americans love their movies and dramas filled with sex and violence, their culture is surprisingly prudish about some things."

"Huh?" I still didn't understand what Takato-san was getting at. "We... should do some sort of violence prevention thing, you mean?"

"No," he looked at me over the top of the papers, lenses glittering. "But what we do need at this school is information about sexual health and wellness."

My face turned red. Luckily, Kuya-san came to the rescue. "Masatsugu, why on earth would you suggest a topic like that? We should choose something more appropriate!"

Takato-san dropped the papers back onto the table and turned toward Kuya-san, eyeing him with a look that seemed oddly intent. "Kuya. We're all nearly adults at this school. Surely you don't believe that all of our classmates are abstaining until they're of legal age? Or do you buy into the fantasy that everyone's waiting until their wedding night?"

Kuya-san's eyes met mine for a moment, then went back to Takato-san. "B- but! You don't know how many students here would need information like that..."

"If it's even one," Takato-san adjusted his glasses, "then it's worth it, wouldn't you say? And we don't have to focus only on the physical health. It's also important to address issues like how to identify an abusive relationship, how to say no in a coercive situation, and of course, how to avoid unintentionally acting in a coercive manner yourself. Having a healthy relationship as a whole, that's what our health fair should focus on this year."

He turned toward me with an unreadable smile. "Don't you think so, Asahina? Isn't it our responsibility to inform the students about the importance of appropriate relationships?"

I lowered my eyes, remembering Arata-san's story, and why he feared the ocean even though he loved diving and swimming. If he'd been given support back then, or understood that his relationship with the other boy was actually hurting him, then maybe... maybe things would have turned out differently. It was impossible to change the past, but we could help someone else avoid a harmful future.

"Masatsugu," I heard Kuya-san hiss, "what are you--"

"Quiet, Kuya, I'm asking Asahina's opinion."

I nodded, banging my fists on the table. "It's a great idea. A perfect idea! You're right, if it helps even one person avoid a bad relationship, it'll be worth it! Let's do it!"

"Asahina..."

I couldn't see, but I swear Kuya-san kicked Takato-san under the table, because Takato-san turned to glare at him. Kuya-san just smiled and leaned close to whisper something. I couldn't quite hear, but it sounded like some sort of smug comment, and Takato-san pulled away with a quiet huff.

"So we'll have to do some research and see what we can come up with!" Kuya-san was almost bubbling with excitement. "I know! We can ask Dr. Matsuoka for help! I'm sure he'll have some good ideas of what we can include in the health fair!"

Takato-san nodded, somewhat reluctantly. "It scares me when you have good ideas, Kuya. But involving an adult, especially one who's trained as a doctor and a counselor, is the single most important thing we can do to ensure the success of this event." He glanced at me again. "Yes, it would be good if all of us received relationship counseling. After all, we all intend to have intimate relationships at some point in our lives, don't we, Asahina?"

I felt a blush coloring my cheeks. "Uh... of course... everyone wants to find their special someone, don't they?" I tried to avoid looking at Kuya-san, the only one of my friends who knew a bit of my secret.

"That's right, Yuki!" Kuya-san leaned against me, grinning. "We all want to get lucky, right?"

I really was turning red. "Kuya-saaaan, relationships aren't all about... that!"

"But it's an important part, isn't it? So we should be mentally prepared!"

Takato-san fixed Kuya-san with the usual exasperated look. "I don't think anyone could be mentally prepared for you, Kuya."

Kuya-san jumped up from the table, hands on his hips. "That's so mean, Masatsugu!" He reached for the hilt of his foil, but since he was still grinning, I wasn't worried even when he asked, "You wanna fight?"

Takato-san took another sip of his tea before answering. "In here? Of course not. And if you have time for that sort of nonsense, Kuya, you should start researching." He turned toward me, a faint smile on his lips. "You too, Asahina. Why don't you look into recognition and prevention of sexually transmitted infections? Kuya, you start reading about the psychology of relationships. And I'll consult with Dr. Matsuoka and see what other topics he suggests, then I can start researching those as well."

"O- okay," I murmured, then nodded firmly. Now wasn't the time to be hesitant. I wanted everyone to have fun, healthy relationships, even if reading about those sorts of things was a little embarrassing. "Leave it to me!"

~~~

 **October 12, 2017**  
_after school_

_Meet me at the beach._

_Why?_

_I need to talk to you._

_We can talk like this._

_If you don't meet me in ten minutes, I'm coming to the staff room and I don't care who's there!_

Asahina was never so forceful. It was just an assumption, a gut feeling, but I knew that something was wrong, and not the usual panic of whatever trivial problem he'd faced that day. This was something more, and I was worried. Dozens of unpleasant thoughts raced through my mind as I hastily made my way across the school grounds.

_He's angry with you. This is the end. He's found someone else. He finally realized what a terrible mistake he's made. He doesn't want you._

I tried to ignore all those things and focus on walking instead. Better to concentrate on avoiding the small puddles that had built up during the afternoon drizzle than to dwell on useless thoughts.

It wasn't long before I reached the wooden bridge at the edge of the island that connected one jagged stretch of land to another. I could already see Asahina in the distance, standing on the beach itself, back to me as he faced the waves. There was a gentle salt breeze that grew stronger as I approached, barely ruffling my hair at first, but I could see the edges of Asahina's uniform jacket rippling in the light wind. The whistle of air in his ears must have drowned out the sound of my footsteps on the sand, and he started when I called out to him.

He turned toward me, and his expression was guarded as he greeted me. "Professor..."

My body tensed. It wasn't like him to be so closed, or to maintain the distance between us. I was forever reminding him not to step too far into my personal space while we were at the school. Here, at the very edge of the property, he normally wouldn't hesitate to get close to me. "I got here as quickly as I could, Asahina. What did you want to talk about?" Somehow my voice didn't betray my apprehension.

He just looked at me for a moment, then lowered his eyes. "Um... you know the student council's been preparing for the health fair, right?"

I could already see where the conversation was going. The focus of the event was healthy and appropriate relationships. It wasn't hard to guess at the type of information he'd found. Still, I kept my tone as neutral as possible. "Yes. You've been doing a lot of research."

"Yeah, I have, so that's why!" He was suddenly angry, small hands curled into fists at his sides. "Everything I read was the same, and I'd heard it before, so it's my fault too, but, but! You're older than me so you should know better!"

"Asahina..."

I braced myself for his rejection, knowing that I could never truly be prepared.

"A- and! You've been with other people, and I haven't, so..." He shook his head as if trying to forcefully clear his mind. "Anyway! You didn't even _mention_ stuff like condoms!"

It took a few seconds for his words to register in my mind. I had been expecting something completely different. When they did, the sense of relief was incredible, but now there was a different issue, and one I wasn't prepared to address. He was watching me, almost glaring, so I had to say something. "Asahina, you don't have to worry about that. I'm clean."

God, that sounded horribly dismissive, even to my own ears. And to Asahina's as well, because he took a half-step forward, eyes narrowed in frustration. "W- well, how was I supposed to know that? And, and anyway, you can't be sure without getting checked, there's lots of things that don't show up at all unless you get tested!"

"Asahina, don't yell," I warned, taking a step closer. "I told you before, didn't I? I never would have laid one hand on you if I wasn't serious about our relationship. I would never do anything that would put you in danger."

"But if you don't even know about it yourself--"

"I do know about it. I've always been careful, maybe too careful, because I know that the majority of guys bounce from partner to partner without thinking. Trust me, Asahina, it's fine."

He shook his head and stepped back, looking betrayed. "But that's exactly what guys say when they don't want to... you can't know for sure--"

"I _do_ know for sure!" I had the paperwork to back it up, but something kept me from mentioning that. I didn't want to prove myself to him, I wanted him to accept it without question, to trust me without doubting. "Do you think I'm lying to you?"

I could hardly believe the words that were coming from my mouth, but I was powerless to stop them, too angry and frustrated. Not with Asahina, but with the entire stupid situation, and those meaningless accusations. Simply put, it hurt. Everything we'd shared so far had been pleasant, happy, and without problems, despite the huge differences in our ages, personalities, and interests. That something as simple as a school health fair, something that was meant to help relationships, not harm them, was the reason behind our first real argument... I resented it.

But more than that, I was angry with myself for skipping over those discussions and decisions that were legitimate causes for worry when dealing with a new partner. I'd been too caught up in it, in _him_ , secure in my knowledge of myself and of his inexperience. If it had been anyone else at all, that discussion would have taken place the moment that things started getting serious.

Asahina stared at me, mouth open, until he was able to speak again. "You... don't make it my fault! I'm worried. I'm _scared_ , and all I can think is, is..." He looked down as his voice broke. "That maybe I don't mean that much to you. I'm just a kid, but... you're everything to me. That's why..."

"Asahina, that is _not_ true!" Arguing wasn't going to help, but I couldn't help myself. I could handle everything from unruly students to the board of directors and even my brother's abuse without losing my cool. When it came to Asahina, my emotions became a hot tangle of threads. And Asahina didn't realize that he was my puppetmaster, jerking on each strand - and this time, they had formed a giant, incoherent knot, trapping my reason.

"But why? Why didn't you ever mention it? It's been more than three months... something like fifteen weekends, and a bunch of times every weekend. Is that all you want from me? We don't really _do_ anything else--"

"Asahina, what the hell?" I somehow resisted the urge to grab him, to shake him and force him to listen. "You're the one who's always all over me! Half the time, you're messing with me before I even wake up, don't you accuse me of using you!"

He was instantly defensive. "Well, you don't exactly say no, do you? You like it."

"It's sex, of course I like it," I hissed, "but don't make me out to be the only one who's interested. You're not just some innocent coming along for the ride!"

"I _was_ innocent before you!"

It was like watching a play, with someone else speaking the lines in my own voice. All I could do was sit there in the audience, shaking my head at the mistakes the foolish character kept making. "Are you serious? Do you have any idea how you looked at me in class, long before I ever kissed you on the roof? That was anything but innocent!"

"So it's my fault?"

"I'm not saying that!"

What the hell _was_ I trying to say? I didn't know, it was all lost in the tangle of emotion, and all I could do was react without thinking.

"Anyway, that's not the point!" Asahina wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, but his tears were ones of anger, his voice tight with resentment. "All those articles said it's like sleeping with every person your partner's ever been with!"

"I _told_ you, I've been careful--"

"How many is it, anyway?" His eyes, bright with moisture, fixed me in place. "You said there were lovers you didn't actually love, is that me too?"

"Asahina, stop it!" I grabbed his shoulder, but he shook me off and glared. The force of that fierce look was enough to make me take half a step back.

_Don't look at me like that. Don't doubt me._

"What number am I?" he demanded. "Tell me!"

_Why is this happening? Weren't we happy? Why don't you believe me?_

In an instant, his resolve was gone, destroyed by my inability to speak. I could almost hear his confidence crumbling, and his voice wavered. "You don't even know, do you? Did you tell them all you loved them, even if you didn't?"

I was torn between wanting to pull him to me until his unreasonable anger faded, and the urge to push him away, to strike back with the heat of my own temper. I paused long enough to take a deep breath and settled for something that I hoped was more neutral. "Do you know how many people I've loved in my entire life, Asahina? Three. And how many I've told? Two, and you're one of them. I do not lie about love."

He looked at me, uncertain, but his expression hardened again after a moment. "Well, fine, but that still doesn't answer the question, how many?"

So that's how it was going to be. "It's none of your business."

"It is!" He stamped one foot, scattering damp sand.

"No, it isn't, and it has absolutely no effect on you, because--"

"Because you're clean, I know, you've said it a hundred times already, but that doesn't make it true! You might not even know! So, so, until you can prove it, we're not having sex!" His face was completely red, as if admitting to our relationship out in the open air was humiliating. "And don't go showing me some old papers, either! I want you to get checked during the event, just like me!"

"Fine, I have nothing to hide!" I snapped, very aware that I was arguing with a sixteen year old boy and should know better. In the heat of the moment, I didn't care. "If that's what it takes for you to trust me, I'll do it!"

"And," Asahina added, "I'm not coming over this weekend! I have student council work to do, and other things, so, so..." He seemed at a loss for how to finish that statement, so he settled for scowling at me, as if daring me to complain.

I just shrugged, though I secretly wanted to strangle him. "That works out well for me, I can catch up on my lesson plans. I've been too preoccupied lately to keep up properly. In fact, I'd appreciate it if we could skip tutoring on Saturday, then I could have a full weekend without distractions." Forced calm, emotionless cool; that was more my style when dealing with conflict. It was almost comfortable, a well-worn costume that was easy to put on and wear.

That icy response seemed to cut Asahina more deeply than any of my heated words. The anger drained from his expression, leaving only despair in his tear-filled eyes. He stared at me for several seconds in openmouthed shock before turning away.

I'd crossed the line. No, it had been crossed long ago, and I had kept on going, so far that even Asahina's forgiving personality could no longer stand it.

I stepped forward, but it was too late. He ran, not back toward the school, but just away, as if any direction was fine as long as it put distance between us. I could have followed him, and catching up would have been easy with his pace slowed by the heaviness of his emotion, but I was rooted in place by my own misery.

It was hopeless.

The boy who'd rescued me from my self-imposed darkness had been driven away by my pride. The boy who'd pursued me until I could no longer deny the feelings I'd been so desperately trying to bury had, in the end, needed to run from me.

_No one wants you._

_This is what happens if you let emotions leave you vulnerable._

I shook my head, but those dark thoughts persisted. They were part of my costume as well. Or maybe they were part of me, no less real than my hair or my hands.

_I love your hands._

"Asahina..."

I wanted to cover my face with those hands, as if they could hide my shameful, stupid behavior, but it was too late. He'd seen and heard it. Maybe it was too late for everything now.

I couldn't go back to work in that state, so I headed to the staff dorm with a heavy heart.

~~~

I made it back to my room without being seen by anyone. Somehow, even though it was the time that everyone was usually wandering around the hallways, I didn't meet a single person inside the dorm. It must have been my luck, which meant that it was good that I hadn't encountered anyone on the way. I almost wished I had, so I could pour out my anger and frustration and shame instead of holding it all in. But if that had happened, then the secret would have been out, and no matter what, I still wanted to protect it.

Tears blurred my vision before I clicked the lock into place. I stumbled half-blind toward the bed and flung myself onto it, not bothering to take off my shoes or my jacket. All I wanted to do was cling to my pillow and let it absorb my sadness. For some reason, all I could think of was a random quote from a poem we'd studied in world literature class a few weeks before:

 _'Tis better to have loved and lost_  
_Than never to have loved at all._

Whoever that guy was, he was an idiot. He didn't understand how awful it was to have the most beautiful thing in the world, and then to lose it all because of one stupid argument.

 _It wasn't stupid!_ I thought fiercely, digging my fingers into the pillow, but I knew that was just an excuse. The substance hadn't been stupid, and my intent had been good... well, I'd been angry, sure, but there must have been a better way to say it all. It had all gotten out of control so quickly, and I'd been pulled along, sucked in by the need to have the last word.

It wasn't just my fault! The professor had gotten angry too, in the exact way that some of those articles had warned, turning my worry back on me. I didn't want to _cave in_ or _disrespect myself_ like those essays had warned, but, but...

They'd also said to _stay calm_ and _let your partner know what you want to discuss ahead of time_. I hadn't done either of those things, I'd just jumped right into it, assuming it would all work out somehow.

It always did, for me. Except now. Why?

"I thought I was lucky," I sniffled into the pillow, rubbing my dripping nose across its surface.

How could this happen? It was hard to breathe, or maybe I was just holding my breath, not wanting to breathe, because pathetic little sobs kept leaking out. I didn't want to be that much of a mess, so broken by one fight.

Our first fight.

Our last fight.

I squeezed the pillow and hid my face in its softness, half-hoping that it would smother me. Why had I said such horrible things? I knew the professor didn't like it when I complained about his previous lovers. They were in the past, something that couldn't be changed. I knew that there was no point in feeling jealousy, but sometimes I couldn't help myself. All I could imagine was that eventually someone else would come along, someone better than me, more experienced and mature, and that would be the end of everything.

Instead, I'd caused the end myself by hating those people who'd come before me and the history they'd created. I was scared by the thought of unknown diseases too - very scared, after some of the details I'd read, glued to my laptop long after lights out - but at the root of it all, I resented that there was cause for that fear to exist.

It was stupid. I knew that. I'd read articles about dealing with jealousy and tried to follow the advice in them, but it was something the professor himself said that helped me the most:

_Would it truly make you happy to know that I'd been lonely my entire life?_

"No," I sobbed into the pillow, "I don't want that... but... I can't help it..."

It didn't matter now. I didn't have any right to worry about it anymore, even less than I had before. I held the pillow tenderly, like I had so many times before while imagining him. First, it had been in the bittersweet pain of imagined love back when I'd thought it was all hopeless. Later, I'd embraced it in happiness and longing, practicing kisses while waiting for the weekend.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when my eyes opened, it was dark outside. Since the curtains were still open, the outdoor lighting filled the room with a dim glow, and it was hard to tell exactly what time it was. Before I could reach for my phone, it buzzed in my pocket, and I finally realized that I'd been awakened by its vibration.

My heart was pounding as I reached for it, but I fought back the hope I felt. It was probably just Tomo, or maybe Kuya-san, wondering why I hadn't gone to eat. It was past dinner time, wasn't it? Yes, almost ten at night, and there were so many messages on my phone, the lock screen couldn't display them all. There was only a note showing that I'd received five messages.

 _Maybe..._ But no, I wasn't going to let myself hope.

I completely forgot about my empty stomach when I saw the most recent message.

_[21:56] Boyfriend: Asahina, please respond. I'm honestly worried about you. If I don't hear back before roll call, I'm going to send Kasahara to check on you._

That was in just two minutes! It only took a moment to read the older texts.

_[20:33] Boyfriend: You must be back from dinner by now. Please let me know you're okay._

_[19:59] Boyfriend: If you don't want to talk, I understand. Maybe tomorrow?_

_[19:21] Boyfriend: I was wrong. Can we try talking again?_

_[19:03] Boyfriend: May I call you?_

My fingers were shaking as I typed a response. _I'm fine, I just took a nap._ He didn't have to know that I'd cried myself to sleep like a spoiled child.

The reply came just seconds later. _I was so worried. Have you eaten?_

_No. I slept through dinner. I'm kind of hungry._

The next response took a long time to come through. Someone banged on my door before it arrived, calling out my name. Roll call. I dropped the phone on the bed and hurried to the door, opening it to peek out. "I'm here."

It was Dora-chan, but he wasn't smiling as usual. Instead, he frowned a bit, head tilted to one side as he examined me. "Oh, Yuki, there you are. I heard that you didn't come to dinner. Are you feeling sick? I can call the doctor for you."

"N- no, I'm fine! Sorry to worry you, I just got really sleepy after class today!" I could hear my phone vibrating on the bed. "So, um, I'll just eat some snacks here, good night!"

I closed the door before he could protest, feeling vaguely guilty for taking advantage of his slow reaction time. But if I got caught up in a conversation with Dora-chan now, who knew how long it would take. The professor was expecting a response. I dove for the bed and grabbed the phone. As expected, it was a wordy message.

_I know you might not want to talk to me right now. If you'd consider it, I don't want us to go to sleep angry or frustrated with each other. I hurt you today. I want to correct that as soon as possible, and have our conversation again, the right way. I'm ready to listen to you whenever you're ready to speak to me again._

_And of course, I'll be happy to tutor you on Saturday as originally planned._

_I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please let me try again._

I could barely see the last few words through the blur of tears. I hugged the phone to my chest and fell over on the bed, body curling up around it.

_It's going to be okay._

I could hardly believe it. I had to say it out loud.

"It's going to be okay."

I kissed the screen, and pressed the call contact button. The professor picked up in the middle of the very first ring.

"Asahina?" His voice was familiar, but somehow strained.

I really was crying by then.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm... fine," I sniffled, but I didn't bother wiping the tears or snot from my face. It was a useless effort; they would just keep coming until I calmed down.

"You don't sound fine."

"But... you don't hate me," I sobbed.

"Asahina, of course I don't. I can't. I love you. That's not going to change because of one argument, especially when I was the one at fault."

 _I love you._ My heart was so light I thought I might float away. "Please, say it again," I begged.

For once, the professor didn't pretend to misunderstand. "I love you, Asahina."

My whole body tingled with the joy of hearing it. "Me too, I love you too."

The professor was quiet, but I knew he must have been sitting with his eyes half-closed and unfocused, a soft smile on his lips. He got like that when I told him my feelings during the precious times that we were alone in a safe place. It was like he drifted off to another world to contemplate it for a moment before reacting. Sometimes the response was a warm smile, other times a gentle hand ruffling my hair, and still others, a tender kiss.

That time, it was a quiet sigh, so light it was just a breath. But I was sure of it. My feelings had reached him, and we were connected again.

"Asahina," he began, and that simple word, my name, was filled with a familiar warmth, "can we talk tonight? I don't want to sleep on a disagreement. It's only been three months, and since we only spend time together on weekends, I feel like things are still a bit..." He paused, trying to find the right word. "Delicate isn't quite right, but..."

Was he worried? It almost sounded that way. My feelings weren't going to be changed by one argument, and the professor had just said that too. But I understood not wanting to wait a couple of days until the weekend; I didn't like the idea of waiting to correct my mistake either. "Yes, of course we can talk now. Um, where should I begin?"

"No, not like this."

"Huh?"

"I want to see you, and talk to you in person. This is too important to handle over the phone. I need to see your face, so I can be sure I'm not hurting you again."

"B- but... Dora-chan just did the roll call, we're not allowed out of our rooms after that. If I try to leave now, I'll just get sent back to my room, and I'll probably get in trouble..."

The professor laughed, and that warm sound made the hair on my arms stand on end. "I know that, Asahina. Don't tell me you've never tried sneaking out of your room after hours before. I thought that was the favorite pastime of students at this school. I've seen plenty of your friends slinking around in the shadows at night."

"W- well, what about you, Professor? Do you sneak out at night too?"

"Asahina. I don't have to sneak out, the staff can come and go as they please until midnight. Some of us do have to work extra late at times."

"Oh... right. But, um, how am I supposed to sneak out?" I frowned as I looked out toward the balcony. "My room's on the second floor... even if I got out, getting back in would be kind of impossible."

"If I remember correctly, Sagimori's room is directly above yours, isn't it? I've seen him sneaking about at night a few times. I'm sure he would help you without questioning too deeply." He paused. "Though if you're worried, I don't want you forcing yourself to come out this late. It's a selfish request, but I..."

He stopped again. It was strange for the professor to be so hesitant, and especially for him to suggest going against the school rules. Somehow, it made me feel anxious. All I could think was that he was holding something back, and that there was some reason why he wanted to see me right away. But he'd never tell me, even if I asked. He was stubborn like that.

"Anyway, you could come to the classroom early tomorrow."

"No, I want to see you now."

A night meeting. My chest was tight with excitement, heart pounding. I'd never dared to try it; or rather, I'd never dared to suggest it. Of course, nothing would happen. I knew that, but if we could just see each other, and fix our misunderstanding, and maybe I could hold the professor's hand...

"Don't worry about it, Asahina, we can talk in the morning." His tone was flat, decision made.

I wasn't going to be satisfied with that, not after he'd seemed so desperate. "No, I'm going to try. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll text you when I get outside. And if I can't do it, I'll let you know that too."

"Asahina--"

"Don't worry about me, I'm sure it'll work out! And if it doesn't, well, there's always tomorrow morning." I made a face as I said it; the thought of getting up extra early and having an intensely personal conversation first thing in the morning wasn't very appealing. "Please, let me try. I want to talk about it as soon as possible too. I want to be sure..."

"Be sure of what?"

I couldn't say _be sure you still love me_ after he'd told me twice already. I knew it was true; the professor wouldn't lie about something like that. Even so, I wanted to confirm it, not with my head, but with my heart. _I'm sorry, I can't help being insecure._

"Um, be sure we talk it over right away! So, so, let me get going so I can figure out how to get out of here safely..."

Less than five minutes later, I was on the ground outside the dorm, thanks to an emergency escape ladder that Hattori-san had given to Kuya-san last Christmas. Thankfully, Kuya-san hadn't asked many questions, though he did confirm that I was sneaking out to meet with my boyfriend.

_It's not like that! We just need to talk. Please, Kuya-san, we had a fight today, we're going to talk it over, I want to fix it as soon as possible._

_Yuki, I'm just teasing! Of course I'll help you! I know you wouldn't sneak out without a good reason._

I hugged my phone to my chest for the second time that night, silently thanking Kuya-san for being so supportive. Sharing a bit of my secret with him had really been the right choice; he had all sorts of advice and encouragement for me every time I was worried. I wanted to tell him the truth, all of it. I knew that out of all my friends, he would be the one who would be happy for me and who would protect our secret preciously.

_Some day I will, I promise._

~~~

_I'm outside! Where should I meet you?_

_Near the beach. I'll be sitting on the bench._

As expected, I reached the meeting place first, so I took a seat and waited. My hand unconsciously went to my breast pocket, fishing out the lighter and pack of cigarettes I always carried. I caught myself with my hand halfway to my mouth. Asahina had literally cried over his worries for my health multiple times, but my real motivation for tucking everything back into my pocket was selfish.

He would deny me a kiss if I'd been smoking.

Waiting was difficult when I had nothing to occupy my mind or my hands. I closed my eyes and leaned back with a sigh, forcing myself to remain calm. Our conversation would go well. I had to believe that. Asahina was gentle and forgiving; all I had to do was control my temper and be honest. There was no shame in admitting to a mistake or asking forgiveness.

_Unless you're a Sakaki. Then it's a sign of weakness._

I opened my eyes, shaking off the vague thought, and stood, turning to face the water.

_Hurry, Asahina. I don't want to be out here alone._

There was a chill breeze laced with the scent of salt and seaweed coming in off the ocean, and the plastic bag I'd set on the bench rustled. Inside was a gift for Asahina, a peace offering: two sandwiches and a bottle of juice from the self-serve station at the staff dorm. Many of the researchers worked late enough that they missed regular dining hours, so there were machines with convenience foods that could be purchased at any time. It had only taken a moment to grab a few things and swipe my staff badge through the card reader. Easy, and no witnesses.

I waited less than three minutes before the sound of footsteps on wood alerted me to Asahina's approach. He was still wearing his uniform, rumpled from his fitful nap, and his hair was messier than usual, sticking up at odd angles. Despite his disheveled appearance, my pulse quickened as he ran up to me with a tentative smile. He stopped just short of flinging himself into my arms, and a twinge of disappointment stung my heart.

"Sorry I took so long!" He was standing close, but not as close as usual, hovering at the edge of my personal space as if unsure that he was allowed inside. I couldn't remember the last time he'd been so cautious when we were alone. Aside from the argument earlier that day, of course.

_How could I have hurt you?_

"Not long at all." I picked up the bag of sandwiches and held it out to him. Asahina accepted it with a puzzled expression. "You said you missed dinner, right? I'm sure you must be hungry."

A relieved smile lit his face, so happy at such a simple gesture that I couldn't suppress my own smile. "Really, this is for me?" His eyes were comically wide as he peeked into the bag. "Oh, sandwiches! I thought you could only get these from the school store!"

"A lot of the school staff and the researchers work late, so there's always prepared food available at the staff dorm. I don't think we can have a serious conversation while you're half starved."

"Hehe, you know me a little too well..." Asahina's cheeks were lightly pink, and I could almost see the tension draining from his shoulders.

_Everything's normal. It will be fine._

"Here, let's sit down." I touched his shoulder lightly, guiding him toward the bench. We sat close to each other, but not touching. Asahina tore into the bag, producing two convenience shop sandwiches and a bottle of apple juice. I'd wanted to bring him something better, but I knew he wasn't particular. All food is good food, as he liked to say.

"Oh, egg salad and a yakisoba bread! I love these!"

I opened my mouth to tease him for being so easily satisfied, but closed it without a word. Our relationship was too fragile right now; I wasn't going to risk upsetting him while his emotions were still delicate. Instead, I poked the bag with one finger. "Don't forget the juice."

"Thank you!" Asahina looked from one sandwich to the other as if he couldn't decide which to eat first, then shrugged and pulled the wrapper off of the yakisoba bun. After a few bites and a big gulp of juice, he turned toward me with a nervous but determined expression. "Um... so, I wanted to talk about the same thing as before..."

"Asahina, just eat for now. I can tell you're still hungry."

"Oh... okay." He sounded more relieved than disappointed, and his cheeks colored. "Um, don't stare at me while I eat, it's embarrassing."

"I'm not staring," I protested, but turned my body slightly, allowing him a bit of privacy. I'd watched Asahina eat often enough and with enough excitement that nothing he did could surprise me. The sense of broken trust darkened my mood, and my hand was in my pocket again before I realized it. I caught myself a moment later and forced myself to come up empty-handed, though I wasn't able to completely suppress a quiet sigh.

"Hm?" The warmth of Asahina's hand pressed against my upper arm. "What," he paused to swallow more juice, "what's wrong?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing, don't worry about me."

His disappointed pout made my heart ache. "It doesn't look like nothing."

"I want to talk things over, but I want to be sure you finish eating first." But that didn't satisfy Asahina either; he tilted his head, still frowning. Why did I keep making things worse? "Okay, fine," I sighed, "I'm incredibly anxious and I want a cigarette. I know you hate them, so I'm trying to abstain. It's hard to do that when I'm wound up like this."

"You're anxious?" With the way his eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline, it seemed that he was genuinely surprised.

"Of course. I want to make things better, not worse, but with the way I lost my temper this afternoon..." I folded my arms over my chest with another sigh. I really wanted to smoke, but I forced my hands to remain still.

"W- well, I got mad too. It wasn't just you." Asahina was still eating, but he wasn't interested in waiting any longer to talk, words spilling out between bites of sandwich.

"You had every right to be angry with me, Asahina. I was selfish and defensive." I was still defensive, my body tense, all wrapped up in myself. I forced my arms to loosen. Instead, I folded my hands in my lap so I wouldn't be tempted to reach for my pocket, or for him. "But this is starting in the middle of the conversation, isn't it? I want you to start at the beginning and tell me all your concerns."

It was more difficult than I expected to make the offer, opening myself to his complaints, but I had no choice. The damage would only get worse if I waited.

"Okay," he mumbled, mouth half-full, "just give me a minute, I'm almost done."

_He's not like them. He won't use this opportunity to hurt, but to heal._

I knew it was true, but my heart still pounded as Asahina rushed to finish his food. He washed it down with a gulp of juice and a contented sigh, then turned to me with a tentative smile. The expression wasn't quite forced, but there was a tightness to his face that made it clear that he was uneasy. "I did a lot of research for the health fair, because it's a super important topic and I wanted to do a good job." Asahina lowered his eyes. "I read about a lot of things that scared me. And there were pictures on some sites. I couldn't believe some of that stuff."

I nodded, imagining it from his perspective. Hell, those sorts of images were terrifying for anyone. "There are some nasty diseases out there, it's true."

"Well, that's why!" His tone was sharp as he glanced at me, but he caught himself, biting his lip. "Um, that's why I worried so much. Because everything said you can't be sure..."

"Without being tested, right? You're right. Please don't take this as an excuse, but I do know for sure. I got tested after my last relationship ended."

He didn't need to know the reason. The guy had turned out to be married, and was using me as an outlet for his conflicted, questioning emotions. I'd ended it as soon as I'd suspected, unsettled by the thought of a partner who went home to a woman every night and upset by being tricked into interfering in an established relationship.

Asahina's glance was sharp again, eyes narrowing at the words _last relationship_ , and I braced myself for his outburst. Instead, Asahina closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing, "But you didn't tell me that. And, and you didn't even offer..." He was trying to stay calm, but the tip of his nose was turning red.

"I know." I couldn't meet his eyes. I'd have to admit the truth, but it was shameful. And it would strike at the heart of his weakness, the resentment he felt because of my prior relationships. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, and I tried to keep my voice steady. "I'm sorry. I'm always careful with someone new, but I skipped all that because I knew it was your first time. And..."

Asahina tried to catch my eye, but I pretended not to notice. "And?"

"It's going to upset you." I unfolded and refolded my hands, watching my fingers lace together as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Anything was, compared to admitting the truth.

"I'm already upset," he pointed out, frowning. "But I'm doing my best to stay calm and be honest, so you have to do it too."

"I know. I'm trying." But how to explain it in a way that wouldn't sound horrible?

Sitting there without saying anything, at least outwardly, didn't look like trying to Asahina. He shifted, uncomfortable in the awkward silence. "Um... is it that thing about how it's not as good with a condom or something? I read that in a few places, so..."

I shook my head. "That's part of it, but the real motivation was my own selfishness." Even Asahina's seemingly infinite patience had a limit. Stalling wouldn't work. I still couldn't meet his eyes, but maybe that was better than seeing the crushing disappointment my words would cause. "Asahina, just... try not to get so angry that we can't finish our talk."

"Is it really that bad?"

"It's exactly the sort of thing you hate."

Another long silence, then: "I also hate vague hints and awkward secrets."

That time, I did allow myself to sigh. "It's hard to admit something so embarrassing. But, just let me speak until the end, and then you can be angry with me." I paused, just long enough to take a breath, and plunged in. "The thought of protection didn't even cross my mind that first time. All I thought was that I wanted to make you mine. I wanted to mark you." I closed my eyes. "I wanted to leave a part of myself inside you, so you'd belong to me. It was only because I knew you were a virgin, and no one else had ever touched you."

I shook my head. "Isn't that awful? After all the times I've told you not to dwell on my past lovers, and I'm the same. I wanted the same thing that you did, a partner who's wholly mine, even though I can never be that for you."

My face was hot with the shame of it. My eyes stung. Saying those words was so much worse than just thinking them. What sounded sexy when I justified it in the privacy of my own mind was selfish and disgusting when spoken.

"Oh." Asahina's voice was small, and he was at a loss for words. "I... I didn't know." He sounded like he was about to cry.

"I'm sorry. I took away your choice because of a selfish fantasy." I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to see his hurt and disappointment. His warm hand gripped my arm - was he angry? - but I still couldn't look at Asahina, too weak to face him.

"I didn't know," he repeated, voice tight. I didn't have to see his face to know that he was starting to cry. "Of course I hate that you didn't ask me, and I hate thinking there's been other people before me. It hurts me a lot. Sometimes I feel like you don't really listen when I talk about it."

"I'm sorry, Asahina. You deserve better."

The word _better_ covered a lot of qualities. Someone his own age and with the same level of experience, so he could discover the physical and emotional sides of love with them. Someone with a similar personality, who could appreciate his silly sense of humor and abundant enthusiasm. And someone who shared the same interests, who had more in common with him than going through a minor ordeal together.

"That's not true. I thought you were perfect, like nothing could touch you. But you're just another person like me. That's what made me love you." His other hand touched my cheek, and I let him turn my face toward him.

"Aren't you angry?"

Asahina just looked sad. Anger would have been easier to manage. Anger was something I understood, something that was thrown at me often enough that I'd learned how to handle it. It didn't sting like Asahina's despair.

"I'm not angry. But it hurts."

He leaned close and pressed his lips to mine, lingering for a moment while I sat there, stunned. What was he doing? Hadn't he just finished saying I'd hurt him?

"Asahina, what...?"

"I can't lose you over this." He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "It hurts now, but it will get better. I can't hold on to it. What's the point in being sad forever?"

"Are you saying," my voice was quiet, "that you've learned from my bad example?"

"I didn't mean it like that." A tear leaked from the corner of his eye. "I just..."

"I know you didn't." I brushed the tear from his cheek, hoping my hand wasn't too cold against his flushed skin. I felt like I needed to say something else, but I couldn't find the words. Like before, when we'd argued, my emotions were all tangled. This time, my words were trapped.

Asahina was watching me like he expected me to say more, eyes lowering when no more words came. "Um... and, and I'm sorry too."

That loosened my tongue. "Asahina, you don't have to apologize. I was wrong."

"Not just you." His voice trembled. "I'm trying to stop being jealous, but it's hard. I wish I could have you all to myself. It's not fair..."

"It wasn't fair, it was horrible and selfish to do that to you."

"But... you really wanted me. So, it's kind of..." He looked away, out toward the dark ocean. "A- anyway, I need time to think about that. But I won't hold on to these bad feelings. I don't want them. Even if you were selfish, you didn't do it to hurt me. If you wanted to hurt me, we wouldn't be sitting here now, right?"

"It's shameful, hurting the person you love." It was also shameful to realize that a boy of sixteen was more insightful than me. But maybe that was only because he knew about my past, and how I'd nearly destroyed my future. Then again, sitting here with Asahina, discussing our relationship... if anyone overheard, they would be convinced that my future was already ruined.

He was oblivious to my thoughts. "But isn't that what happens? It's easier to hurt someone you know. And," Asahina turned back toward me, "there's something else I've been doing..."

"You haven't done anything wrong."

He shook his head. "That's not true. I just didn't realize. Don't you remember this afternoon, when you said I'm always doing stuff to you before you even wake up? That was something I read about too. It's really bad, because you don't get a chance to say yes or no, and what if it's no?" His shoulders slumped. "I never realized... I thought it was fun, or kind of hot..."

I reached out to grasp his shoulder. "Asahina. I only said that because I was angry and looking for something to complain about. It's mildly annoying at the very worst, and only because I like sleeping in on Sundays. It's very flattering to have a young lover who's so interested."

"Really?" He looked like he didn't believe me. "But..."

"If you're seriously interested in that sort of play, we can explore that later."

Asahina's face turned red. "U- um...!"

His embarrassment was cute, but more than that, it was normal. That innocent reaction was just enough to break through the strange tension that had been in place since the afternoon. "But first, the health fair, isn't that right? I'll sign up as soon as I get back to my room."

"Not just that." Asahina peered at me. "We also can't... we can't do anything until we get the results. So... I guess that means I can't come over."

"You could come over without spending the night," I suggested. "I'm sure your parents would love to see you. You haven't been home since we started..." Started what? I wasn't sure. Could it really be called dating if we were too afraid to go out anywhere and risk being seen?

"You don't even know what this is, huh?" Asahina lowered his eyes. "I'm not sure either..."

The breeze picked up, carrying cold air in from the ocean. Asahina shivered, unconsciously leaning closer to seek warmth. I pulled him to me without thinking, and I could tell that his body was damp with a nervous sweat even though his heavy uniform jacket. Asahina tensed in my arms, then relaxed, leaning his head on my shoulder.

It seemed only natural to stroke his messy hair. "Does it matter that there's no word for it, Asahina?" Or maybe there was, but I didn't want to think about _wrong_ or _inappropriate_ right then. I didn't want to consider how I might be hurting him, or how I already had hurt him.

"It's warm," he murmured, clinging closer. "I feel safe and warm."

 _Warm._ That was a nice alternative.

I held him until the chill night wind became too much to bear. The walk back to the dorm was cold and uncomfortable without his warmth at my side, but I knew it would be there again soon.

We'd survived our first fight.

Asahina was still there for me.

~ end ~


End file.
